I came across this article on twitter and found it encapsulates in many respects the counselling journey depending on ones approach or needs - http://www.findingthegracewithin.com/?p=10699
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According to philosopher Merleau-Ponty, our sexuality expresses our whole attitude to life so what does it say about internet based community that 36% (the highest category) of content shared online relates to porn.
In various conversations with people it never fails to amaze me how sex can still be a taboo in terms of having open and honest discussions about the different aspects of sex, sexuality and sexual well-being. Seems we are generally still happy to do it but still uncomfortable talking about it. Well, I'm going to talk about sexual well-being. The power of sexual energy is ever present – some embrace it, some deny and suppress it, others become hooked on the natural highs. Easier to partake in than have a conversation about, our tongues seem to find it easier to perform than eloquently communicate our needs and feelings. Reference to sex and sexuality pervades life more than we care to admit. A simple example is advertising; alluding to sex or sexual innuendo is used to sell almost everything. In magazines there’s no end of discussions and tips on how to please your partner, stimulating positions, new tricks and gimmicks. Its all information which can be made used or discarded but it’s the perceived reality it creates that’s more worrying. They say a lie told a thousand times becomes a truth. In the case of sex it leads to issues of what is "normal". What is ‘normal’ indeed? There is no normal but this is something that can cause a lot of stress for people. The growth of the internet with the accompanying increased accessibility of porn and the constant bombardment in the general media I feel has contributed greatly to this situation. This has influenced our perceptions on many aspects of sex such as frequency, positions, risk taking, level of desire, styles – vanilla, kink or BDSM. An old saying is apt here, quality over quantity. Individually and as a couple I would say what would help more is to find what works for you, what you actually find fulfilling. This takes time through getting to know ourselves including your body. Unfortunately sex is something that although we need to, we rarely have a mature conversation about as we go from adolescence into adulthood. For a lot of people, sexual wellbeing relates to general wellbeing, satisfaction is very much related to what is going on in other aspects of your life and really we shouldn’t expect otherwise. If there are issues then its worth taking a holistic approach like ensuring there aren’t any medical conditions. If that’s not the case then perhaps attend to other areas of your life such as work or life pressures. No doubt a lot of people can attest to the link of relationship issues affecting their sex lives and this can become a perpetuating cycle. In all, our sexual/sensual self doesn’t fit into neat boxes. Over the course of our lives as we naturally change through age our relationship with our mind and body goes through changes too. Our sexual being is greatly aided by being more attuned and true to ourselves. The space provided by therapy is good and useful in many ways - a space to
think, reflect, feel, connect, disentangle and integrate and so much more to the greater end of living a more enriching and fulfilling life. As well as the immediate goal oriented solution focused aims many people specifically seek therapy for. Overall therapy is not a substitute for life though and beyond statistical evidence gathering the real measure of change and growth is how clients are in sessions, how they make changes and deal with challenges as life continues to evolve. Similar to meditation for instance where on first impressions it can be thought of as a divorce of oneself from everyday reality, it actually serves to connect you more. And arguably, therapy should be doing that for clients. What constitutes change and process is always tricky as it can be very subtle but hugely significant in the context of that person’s life. In the current climate of evidence-based practice, what constitutes evidence and how are these subtleties to be truly accounted for can and equally recognised is subject to much heated debate. Crucially what it is the evidence being judged against? Unashamedly naive and altruistic, however the success of therapy for me is really about how I help my clients grow and live a more fulfilling life despite the difficulties they have encountered in the past and or present time. This intrinsically includes outcomes which forms part of narrow goal oriented way of working such as brief solution focused. On the other hand, organic transformative change involves an engagement and change on so many levels – understanding of what influences their reactions and subsequent behaviour, emotional intelligence, being, doing, feeling, articulation of thoughts and feelings, physiological reactions, reflecting, assertiveness, etc, etc. As much as it may seem cliché to examine past experiences and relationships when dealing with relationally oriented difficulties we can’t get away from examining how we came to be the person we are today if we are looking for transformative change. Also it’s a question of what we are ready for or have the capacity to deal with at that particular period in time.
I have found that often there is a deep desire for things to change but the starting point is seen as from the present onwards. Obviously therapists categorise this as an emotional defence, however I also see it as lack of awareness of the myriad forms of developmental maturity required - emotionally, psychologically, physically, socially and spiritually. Although not everyone recognises or actively engages with the spiritual self, as a therapist I feel it’s important to acknowledge and work with it if it’s important to the client. There can be an expectation that our chronological age corresponds simultaneously to equal maturation in all the different areas. This in itself I feel causes a hell of a lot of anger and frustration at oneself because there’s the expectation of handling a situation better in line with one’s age. But like many skills or ways of being that is now second nature, it has become second nature through nurturing or through repeated experiences and behaviour. This is where therapy comes in by helping a client explore the past, implicit and explicit psychological education as well as the active experience of being and doing, with another person. The past can’t be changed but its influence can once its tangled connections in how we are in the present can be acknowledged, experienced and worked through – non-actively and/or actively. In the year ahead undoubtedly there will be a times when we may be overwhelmed by events or difficulties which leave us feeling stressed. Stress has become a word that is commonly used but rarely a label people want to be associated with like other common (mental/emotional) health problems that affect the way people think, feel and behave.
To be clear, the stress being described in this blog is the normal everyday life stress not for instance, to post traumatic stress disorder where the symptoms described below maybe relevant but the treatment is markedly different as it tends to require professional assistance. Getting back to “regular” stress, it’s a natural physical reaction to ongoing life pressures and events such as job interviews, taking exams, moving home, excessive workload or relationship problems. In itself stress is ok when the pressure leads to a positive reaction where we rise to the challenge like many of the Team GB Athletes at London 2012 did in the face of high expectations. However it becomes harmful when the demands being placed on us are over and above what we can cope with at that particular time. Everyone’s limit is different and how you perceive and respond to pressurising events affects the level of stress that is experienced. This is where becoming more aware and attuned to what causes you stress and its affects helps. The confusing thing is the symptoms can be associated with other medical conditions and have to be discounted before the different expressions of stress can be dealt with. So, how does stress show itself? These days most people name a number of symptoms. Overall they can be grouped into four categories. The impact can be on the functioning of our body, emotions, thinking and behaviour and below are a handful of examples of how it can affect us:
Managing stress Our mental and emotional health underpins all health and well being. That said, life is life and at times stressful situations can’t be avoided and the issue becomes how best to manage what is going on. These are some of the many things that can be done to help manage the effects of stress:
STRESS DOES NOT MEAN FAILURE. It is nature's way of helping you to survive for a specific time period. However just because you can survive it doesn’t mean that you should allow it to become the norm. Let me reiterate again, if the persistence of excessive stress isn’t addressed it can lead to many health problems as you become exhausted. By learning to recognise the signs of stress, you can learn to control its effects, that way it doesn't become a big problem in your life. What's better, short or long-term therapy? The simple answer is, it depends. Short term counselling of say between 6 to 12 or even 24 sessions would not enable a client to work through and process association feelings that accompany deep rooted lifelong difficulties. Those lengths of sessions are typically more appropriate for symptom management such as dealing with stress at work, feelings brought up by the death of a loved one or the impact of divorce. In a sense short term counselling is used when problems are occurring and it can help deal with things before they become really disruptive. However if issues are managed ineffectively even with the best intentions then issues can be become entrenched and therefore require a longer timeframe for the difficulties to be worked through.
Also choice can be limited if you go the non-private route. Low cost or GP counselling services are usually short term/time limited irrespective of the therapeutic needs of the client. This is not a criticism rather I'm stating the reality of demand and limited financial funding. Long term or open ended therapy is useful for deep rooted difficulties casued by childhood trauma for instance which can manifest in different forms of general and relational issues such as difficulty managing close relationships, low self confidence or persisting feelings of anxiety. Overall short term counselling, generally speaking is more directed to problem solving and crisis management. Whilst long-term counselling works to generated change through reviewing embedded patterns which hinder a client’s ability to realise their full potential, have good quality relationships and enjoy the various experiences life has to offer. That said a factor that often has a significant influence is personal circumstances. These often dictate the length of sessions a client can commit to in terms of finances as well as personal availability over a significant period of time. However I would say if you recognise the need for therapy then its better to do something than nothing. Counselling is usually associated with times of crisis. However I'm a firm believer in the use of the therapeutic space in a positive, forward looking way. I feel at times there's little emphasis in using therapy proactively. The space available can be used as a general exercise in self-development by using it to better understand the way you are or motivations before making major life changing decisions.
This will be different for different people. Some of the situations that come to mind are better performance at work, career change or even parenthood. Using counselling positively would mean evaluating your beliefs and feelings, dealing with any mental and emotional blocks so that you can be the best parent one could possibly be for instance. Forward looking, it’s all about how life can be made more fulfilling. A great professional difficulty is explaining the potential benefits to counselling to those unfamiliar with the art of therapy. Elements of our work hint at a cure and definite answers. This is not a lie but to a degree it offers false hopes to those who want instant and permanent relief without the pain of self examination. There are a number of reasons contributing to this including the desire for relief from pain and suffering and consumer culture and allure of quick fixes and promises guaranteed success among other things. False expectations can go a long way to hindering the process of change, awareness, insight, and acceptance. Dealing with the difficulties of life which cause depression, anxiety, stress and so on, there are no cures. The work to a degree is how we live in the present and look forwards in the face to this, to feel, think and act differently in a way we either suffer appropriately or are able experience joy and wellbeing depending on the situation. Therapy is often a matter of tipping the first domino. Milton H Erickson
Deciding to seek therapy Making the decision to go see a counsellor for the first time can induce a whole host of emotions on top of whatever you are already struggling with. Dependent on this will be how the decision came about, be it friend’s recommendation or your GP’s, something seen on a TV show that brought up old memories or having been before there’s self-awareness of the renew need of the space counsellor provides to reflect and process feelings. The process of going through a GP can take away some of the work because you don’t have the headache of searching through the different directories or internet searches to find a counsellor you will feel would be best for you for what you can afford. That said once a counsellor has been selected or one is chosen for you meeting for the first session can be truly nerve racking along with all the other feelings like scepticism about the usefulness of counselling. Does it work, will it actually work for me, will they judge me, will the counsellor be able to relate to me or I won’t be able to talk to a stranger. These are some of the things that come up for clients prior to seeing a counsellor for the first time. These are all understandable thoughts and anxieties particularly if you aren’t familiar with the counselling experience. On top of this, anything that leads to change can really be scary, in general, ‘we’ prefer to stick to what we know even if it’s something that makes as unhappy or unfilled in our lives. However if you do recognise the need to see someone, being prepared to take that leap is a good sign that you are ready for that journey into the unknown. |
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